I just went for my first run in a week. I feel frustrated with myself for not running or working out consistently enough to make progress or even to maintain my fitness, but there we go. It is what it is, it’s ok for my fitness and appearance to fluctuate, it’s ok to to not feel motivated all year round, and the only way to move on from where I am now is to face it head on and not shy away from feeling uncomfortable and out of puff and heavy legged and embarrassed.
I’m making cinnamon rolls.
I really really tried to look past caitlin moran’s terf-iness when I read ‘how to be a woman’ because at times its hilarious and fucking on point but then the whole book is littered with things like this and it totally undermines the otherwise incredible respect I would have for her.
I’ve spent the past two days at butcher’s training. I now know about the joints of meat and can tie a butchers knot and debone a lamb leg. I can also fillet and gut a fish. I do suspect that it will not be long before I can’t stand the sight or smell of raw meat.
My body image is terrible today
I feel extremely uncomfortable about my boobs growing and I don’t get it and I dont know why they’re suddenly a size bigger and I don’t know why it fills me with more dread than any other change to my body.
Various outfits. I had a 9 hour induction for my job today and training starts tuesday. Im torn between feeling excited to have any kind of work and feeling pressured into feeling depressed about it by dint of being overqualified and everyone pitying me when I tell them what im doing. But look at it this way: being at home with no job because you think you’re above getting part time work is depressing. Everything has the potential to be depressing if you let it. Meanwhile I’m going to be working in a brand new supermarket, learning a skill and saving all my wages to take more qualifications rather than struggling to make ends meet in a dingy flat in London because its all I could get. Its going to give me all the time in the world to find my dream job and I’m not going to have left home feeling broke and rushed into making scary decisions.
I’m massively in struggle city today. I woke up three times between 6am and 9am and because I’ve been sleeping so terribly in the past few weeks I keep getting up at 10 or 11, so I’m trying to break the habit and I’ve tried everything including moving my bed to a different place in my room (which has actually worked praise jesus).
Anyway today I have to complete a job application and ask for references, because after today I’ve got my job induction, then I’m going to London to visit friends, then visit my dad, then see friends again and then hang out with Sarah.
I went to dinner tonight with uni friends and I had the loveliest time but so many of them are getting their lives together and getting jobs and moving out and I’ve come away half feeling like im way behind the curve and still not that sure what Im going to do and half feeling confident in what it is im trying to achieve and secure in my decision to stay home a bit longer. But Sarah texted to say she got a job interview and im so pleased for her because its exactly what she wants but I also feel like everything is changing way too fast and I can’t share my anxiety about this with anyone without me sounding jealous and ungracious.
But I did feel comfortable and listened to and like I had valid things to say in conversation tonight and people were so pleased to see me and I feel warm and confident and grown up and not even that sad about leaving oxford. I’m exhausted now but like…steps in the right direction!
Anonymous said: does sarah know about your blog?
Yeah I talk about it sometimes but she doesn’t know the url.
Sarah’s gonna be here in 20 minutes :)
This kid has a job.
On the meat counter at a supermarket. I feel like it’s going to be the grossest thing ever BUT I get 22.5 hours a week and all on weekdays which is faaaab.
today I will: