Dear employers, I will have to take the day off today because:
☐ It’s December and the streets are papier-mached with wet bronze leaves and it’s so dark outside that the cars have their headlights on at 3pm
☐ I have recently been through a breakup, or I have been through a breakup at any time in my life really, and I woke up today with the absolute conviction that I will never be loved again
☐ A dog looked at me
☐ I got a text from someone for whom I feel a mix of concern and frustration and recognition and longing that is both more and less than romance
☐ Someone made a joke about dead pets meeting you in heaven
☐ Daylight savings time
☐ I passed a knot of flowers that were so bright they glowed through the dim grey water of the day and when was anything in my life last that luminous?
☐ Girls are too pretty
☐ For the first time I genuinely comprehend that there is not enough time to have all the lives I wanted
☐ I accidentally listened to Leonard Cohen"
This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you.
Undertaking a morally dubious bartering exchange with the counterfeit seller which is going something like this.
"Um your jeans are NOT AMERICAN APPAREL what is this about. I have PROOF YES PROOF"
"Oh shit I’m sorry you didn’t like them um please accept 30% compensation or you can return them for a refund if you like but please remove the negative feedback and close the case? please?"
"Please ACCEPT 30% COMPENSATION and remove the feedback?"
"Please accept 30% compensation and REMOVE THE FEEDBACK AND CLOSE THE CASE I AWAIT YOUR REPLY"
"Ok I’ll take 50% and change the feedback"
"Please understand that I’ll make a loss if I give you 50%"
I feel dirty. I should really be returning them and reporting the seller but shipping back is really expensive so I’d lose something like half of what I paid even if I got a refund. But if I agree to the compensation then I can’t report them so they’ll keep on selling fake stuff.
It happens. It happens ALL the time.
It’s kinda a funny sound, no?
But really. If your girl has her hands down there she does not give a FLYING fuck what kinds of sounds come out of your vagina, okay? She’s into you, in a big way. If you’re comfortable enough with eachother to be doin’ all that then I promise she’s not thinking what you think she’s thinking.
Go talk to her.
Aaaaand I’m about 99% sure the AA shorts are fake. FUCK ME.
Alright, I have a goal.
That goal is to have a yoga practice every day from now until the forseeable future.
Even if it is just savasana in my bed at the end of the day.
Google, my friend.
Last night I danced almost without inhibition completely sober in front of people I dont know all that well without even feeling self conscious for more than 5 minutes and im proud of myself ok because I used to think I had to be really drunk to enjoy that but I DONT HOORAY
Ha I was SO nervous. In fact I still kind of am. But it’s really fun and not that hard (like a little bit intuitive you know?). And if you find it hard to make her feel good then communicate that! Get her to tell you what she likes, and tell her what you like, and experiment and all that fun stuff. It might feel awkward or embarrassing maybe at first but it’s a good way to get closer to eachother and ultimately have better sex. You won’t fuck anything up either, you know yourself what not to do downstairs, and if you have any awkward moments/weird noises/giggling fits then you can laugh about it afterwards and that’s half the fun of it. It doesn’t really taste of anything either.. You might hate it, in which case you and your girlfriend will find a way to work around that (be honest with her, always. if she’s awesome and kind and mature she will accept that and not take it personally hopefully) - but I am fairly sure you won’t hate it haha. There are ways to make it more fun also (think flavoured lube, toys etc). But ultimately you should only do it when you’re ready and I’ll bet it’ll be fine for both of you if you decide to wait.